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-You're gonna be wearing that right stupid straw hat
and getting spat at on the bus before you know it
-Yeah well I'd rather have a stupid hat than stupid hair , helmet head
-Hey stop fighting
-Makes you look like the village idiot totally challenge.
-Hey I thought you said that you were ready
-Yeah I am
-Get your suit on Kevin I don't want them
thinking we're a pair of grimy plebs.
-I'm on call
-Don't be silly quick we're gonna be late
-Mum, Rosie called me helmet head again, can I change my hairstyle?
Oh ignore her love it looks lovely
-Yeah really special.
-Its you on your first day at Oakhill.
There's you in that stupid straw hat and there all the kids from Weatherfield high,
laughing at you and chucking gob balls!
-Right you got 10 seconds to get out of my sight before ill cut that blooming' fringe off
and it won't look like the magazines.
- I was only messing.
-Three seconds gone, seven six ,you think I were messing.
I wont know anybody at this new school
I'm gonna miss all my friends
-You haven't got any
-Any of your friends ever ask you to stay over?
-She hasn't got any friends
-Yeah I have
-What is going on?
-I'm auctioning Rat Features
-Well I don't want it.
-We've only just bought you that.
-I wanted a dog if you remember
-You will stop this nonsense right now.
-It's my Guinea pig, I'll do what I like with it.
-Hey what's going on?
-She's auctioning off her Guinea pig
We paid a lot of money for that.
-What's your R.E teacher called?
-Um what do you think you're playing at?
-Right, just eat your veg and potatoes
Don't be offended, Ebony-Ray can't eat anything that had a face. That's all.
-Her saddo invisible mate
-Shut up. She got a plasma TV in her bedroom
-Yeah she lives with father Christmas and the tooth fairy.
-Stop it Rosie.
I'm sure Ebony-Ray is a lovely girl
Because they're very sensitive aren't they vegetarians?
-She's dead shy
-So is Ebony-Ray expecting pocket money then?
-Hello, she's got her own mum and dad!
-Will you stop encouraging her.
-Is she in your class?
-No she got moved up a year because she's a genius.
-Oh maybe she'll end up at Oakhill like Chesney
-She gets teased a lot because of her braces
-You can hardly notice them
-I keep telling her, it will be worth it in the end you know
-Come on, feet
-Sophie, Ebony's sat over there
-But you told her to sit there I heard you
-No but she wanted more freedom. She was practising not doing as she was told
and she was sat there
and she didn't lift her feet up.
-This is getting beyond a joke.
-You've hoovered her up, you're a murderer!
-Your mum would like a word
-Will you just shut up and listen to her
-Ow but your hurting, ow my eye.
-So where's Jembo today then?
-Uh she's not called that she's called Jemma
-I can call her what I want, she's a meth
-No you cant, dad what you doing?
-I'm gonna have a go at fixing this radio
-So where's your girlfriend today?
-Give it here or you're dead
-Did you send him one and all?
What will it say?
I love you
-Mum tell her to give it here
-Valentines cards are just a way for
card sellers to make more money. That's what my teacher says, It don't mean owt!
-get your shoes on both of you.
-Craig and Rosie sitting in a tree
-I could've died
-Wouldn't let you die
Still sit upstairs with headphones on listening to devil music
-It's not devil music
-Yeah it is, dad says it is
and, he says you look gay
-Mum will you tell her
-Where you going?
-We want meat! We want meat!
-Get here now you little basket case
-It want me it was her
-and you, you little cheeky cow, that hurt!
-Get off me Chesney you flamin' wazzock
-Janice get off them immediately
-You want locking up you do
-Well yeah, but
-see and we knew we had this connection
so it turned out we're cousins, me and her
See you can come round whenever you want now, see, she's family
Happy new year Rosie!
-You total cow!
-Hey where do you think your going?
-To see Craig
-oh no you're not
-You. Back upstairs.
-Will somebody please tell me what's going on?
-Oh drop dead Sophie
-Stop stirring it, you upstairs
-are you deaf?
-You can't just lock me up forever
-You're a kid you live by our rules
-Right, hi my names Sophie and I sleep next to you
does anyone please wanna tell me what's going on?
-Sophie go and put the kettle on for us right now
-Flippin' invisible in this house me
Shut up you snitch calling them
-Yeah and thank God they did
have you got any idea how out of our minds we've been?
-Where were you?
-What about them, they were watching a really like gory horror film
-I'm 15, you're just a kid
-Exactly, I shouldn't be exposed to that sort of stuff should I?
ey? see Nicolette said that could count as abuse
-I don't care what Nicolette says
-Ruined their night and all
Sorry about your snogging time
-Right you've got exactly two
seconds to tell me what you was playing at
- I went for a walk I don't see what all the fuss is about
- You stupid little girl anything could have happened to you!
you've been smoking
- No I haven't
I haven't mum honestly
-I don't believe this
-You're 11 years old
and you've been wondering the streets at night smoking
- It wasn't me it was Nicolette!
-Get to bed
-You never believe owt I say
- GET TO BED!
- Mum, do you think Rosie will end up all la-di-da like the shedons
because of her posh school?
-Wind up coming
- That's not why she goes there
-I reckon she will
this time next year she'll be talking so posh we won't be able to understand what she's saying
-That is so likely darling
-Education isn't about social climate its about learning things
-Yeah and nobody in this family will ever be posh
and to make sure that's understood, your dads going off to the chippie
-Shut your face
What've you got?
I've told you!
-That's my best bra
get it off
-Hey girls what is all this noise
She's trying to strip search me you fascist
-Metalist, look at the state of her
-Just testing that's all
-You said that last time, and wrecked the straps
-Hey, they're my best tights them
-Tell me you haven't been outside
-I haven't got them right yet
- You wont ever get them right
-If I had a Blossom I would
-What is a Blossom when its at home?
-£18.99 so obviously I wont get one
- Yeah well what is it?
- A first, in first bras
- 3 levels of padding from discreet
- You know for school and that
-To knock ou-to knock out?
-Like for hanging round the offie drinking cider
What do you care?
-Because darling, your mascaras all over the place
-Don't do anything I wouldn't do
-I'm sorry I didn't think there was anything
-Well I think your poncy so there
-Why did you used to wear all of that make-up Craig?
was it to cover your ugly mug?
-You are so asking for a slap
-Yeah Sophie don't be rude to our guest
-What you all over him like a rash for? usually you cant stick him
I love you too
-Mum will you tell her
-Sophie get your coat on
-You'll get over developed thumbs and repetitive stress syndrome
-Yeah and we're all gonna be late, so come on
Its called double standards
-Tell me about it
-Shh he's here
-Uh, what time do you call this?
-A phone call would have been nice
-Do you know Kevin people treat this place like a hotel
-Ey that's enough
-I think its really nice of Bethany Platt to lend you a skirt
-You're this funny
-Uh non-existent skirt alert
-Oh shut up
-Oh stop bickering the pair of you
-Oi, dad did you just see that then?
you just watch where your going
you home-wrecking teacher-loving tart
think tight tops fluttery eyelashes quivery lips
- Give the lad a coconut
dad its a school day and she's still slobbing about in her nightie
because Rosie, I want to try them
-Sophie its for chavs
-Oh God forbid we go on a package holiday but we behave like chavs
Yeah well I thought if we could get some printed me and Ches could go around posting them
-Brilliant that, thanks love
-Well I'm not just a pretty face
this one's got brains and all
Apart from when dunny blew up a plastic bag and burst it
-Promised you wouldn't say owt
-And Ches threw himself on top of me
-Like they do in the films, you know with the president
-Yeah well they don't stay lying on them do they once the dangers over
-I said sorry
-I don't think I've ever been so pleased to see you
oh are you ok? I missed you so much
-Happy birthday I'm sorry I didn't get you a present
-Well yes, the woman at the, uh, newspaper
who sorts out my expenses and everything
-The one you give your bus tickets to
ooh baby like a star like a star ooh baby
-Sophie stop showing off
Table Kevin its the height of bad manners
- why cant I sit and puck it
-No all I'm saying is occasionally it would be very nice to have a conversation over our breakfast
-Oh look at the state of it
- oh my god
- what, I don't look that bad
-What have you done?
- What a slapper
I don't know do I until I've kissed them
- Yeah well I might kiss them first
-Yeah well neither of us are gonna kiss them the rate we're going
-Hey aren't you at school yet?
-Yeah I'm half way through double physics, cant you tell?
-I don't wanna jump down your throat, but you don't wanna be late
-no wonder it's rubbish, here
-Just this once
Right wipe this rubbish off first
-I cant believe you just licked me
-Come on lets go
-Bye Mr Webster, Bye Rosie
-Take it from someone way more experienced
-And she means way, way more experienced
-If you want something, then grab it
-At least I hope it is anyway
-Oh she's doing my head in
-Before you start work on the floor oh
and don't go too near the edges you'll
splash the skirting
-Are you mocking me
-No, sorry I thought it was just funny
-Will I have to dance?
-Yeah, everyone's gotta do a freestyle solo in the middle of the hall
I'm only joking, will you have to dance?
-Anyway it will take your mind off things
-In fairness I'd love to see you dance
pay good money to see that Chezzers
Hows it go again? Wax on wax off
-Leave him alone, he's doing a good job
-What are you doing up so early?
have you wet the bed?
You gonna get your mum to sew your badges on your trunks?
-I might take you for a spin one day
-You cant drive
-Mate have a great gig
and don't come back
and your dumped!
come on Ches
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Chesney
Happy birthday to you
Dad you've done it!
You've done it dad
ew dad you're all sweaty
-I've just finished a race
-Course, can't wait, I've texted all my mates
sometimes it causes me to tremble
tremble tremble tremble tremble
-oh I'll tremble you in a minute
-Were you there when they crucified my lord
-Sophie I can not believe that you were singing that song
-Mam have we got a shovel for the rabbit?
-Oh so now you're using punctuation as real words
The lad known to the area girls as the ginger Zac Efron
-Hey its the flame haired Zac Efron
-You brought us no wedding cake?
-Is that meant to be funny?
-Wanna come cockles?
-Dad, are you gay?
All seated on the ground, the angel of the lord came down
and glory shone around
-will somebody shut her up?
One of the best nights of my life. I met this guy
-Oh I could have known there was a bloke involved
was he like, totally buff
-Well, no. But he would have been when he was younger
in like 1843
-Why how old was he?
late 40s early 50s?
-You dirty mare
-His name's Alfie
and I met him in rumours
and he reckoned, because I'm like so good looking and everything
like really good-looking like
- Like the perfect 10
mum have you heard this
-You already got me a shirt
-I know I got you this as well, open it
-The slipper you dipstick
-I can't believe it
I put two pounds on, I wont fit into my outfit later
-Well you should have thought about that
last night when you were scoffing all the quality street
-Oh shut up, its alright for you can eat what you like
-'Cause I'm naturally thin?
-No 'cause with a face
like yours it doesn't matter what you weigh
-Uh don't start on me you greedy cow
-Look give it a rest the pair of you
-What you doing? topping up your carbon
-What's it to you?
-Are you allowed to have your engine running without a license?
-It's for the heat duh, and you're
letting it all out
-yeah thank you
-thank you, thank you
-Wait, my dads going bananas as it is
-Oh I wish I was going to Southport
-Yeah I wish you were as well instead of Sian
-Oh don't be so pathetic
-Are you not eating?
-Oh I'm nil by mouth
-Nil by brain
-Oy, I don't want any arguments
-Nil by common sense, nil by sensitivity
-Her with the cottage loaves on her ears?
-I wasn't talking about your hair
I was talking about the rest of you
-Ew, do you know where the mop is because your drooling everywhere
I'm talking too much aren't I?
-Yeah way too much
What you doing you loser?
-I thought that's what you wanted
-Yeah about as much as a kick in the face
-mum and dad are out
-Or we could go back to mine, my dads in
well at least I think he is
-I'm 28, do I need ID?
-I'm under age
Sunita will be back in a minute though
she's just letting Claire in, she's minding the kids
as long as you let me choose some of the music
-Now can I have the vodka?
-Kirk, I'm under age
-I can do the till bit if it helps
-Sometimes when we're in rehearsal
I want to proper let go like Beyoncé, you know
-You're fitter than Beyoncé you
-You need your eyes testing you
I loved them dungarees, I even slept in them sometimes
do you think that's what did it?
Yeah so we don't have to go out for take-aways
because going out means talking to people
and talking to people means
inviting them back to our house to trash
it on YouTube
-Okay and I thought she was this nice, kind, caring mum
-I have not got time to wait for that to warm through
-Right well I'll tell you what then, shall we eat it frozen?
-anyway what are you 2 doing, do you really think that's gonna help?
-You flamin' do it
-She's right it wasn't coming off anyway
-What a little creep. Last time I let him give me a lift
-God how many is that now?
-Um 5 so far
-I dunno ey?
hangers on are just not what they used to be
-Oh shut up
-The handbags getting smaller
-More like a purse at this rate
-From the pound shop
-Put that on Facebook
-Don't you dare!
The kettle's just boiled
-You know did it ever occur to you to make me one?
-No because you're never up at this time
-Just been on the phone to my manager
-Oh my manager
-Well he is my manager, what else would you call him?
-Mum I'm not drunk
walk in a straight line
-Mum, I'm a lesbian
I don't do anything straight
Oh and what's that supposed to mean?
-You know what that means
-What because I'm gay? you mean
oh well I'm sorry for being such a disappointment
-Hey I didn't say that
-Mum I've got my own personal slave now
I'm not moving for no-one baby
-You think He made that happen?
-No, I think gravity made that happen
I just think God chipped in at the end
and helped with the landing
-Right girls I've been thinking
-Oh don't tell Jason you'll worry him
Well I mean if I wasn't 100% sure I was a lesbian before
I definitely am now
-Do you want a hand?
-Only for the past 3 hours
but hey we survived
-I've another customer to serve, morning Sophie
-Morning Noz, can I put these up please?
-Its Noris and what are they?
-They're flyers for the charity auction tonight
-Yes well we don't normally allow pamphleteering
-Yes well its for charity
-Don't do it, you've got so much to live for
and I'm sure people will stop laughing at you soon
-And stick your head in the oven not the fridge its quicker
-We'll totally clean the whole house when we're done
-You told me to sell it
-Yeah Sian, sell the party
not us into slavery
-You always criticize
-Or give an extra 5 to keep Schmeichel alive
-Yeah lesbians have a special gift for
-Have you ever heard of a thing called passive-aggressive
because that is exactly what you're doing right now
-No I haven't heard of that but,
have you ever heard of our, um
special offer on beans
'cause right now you can get two tins of beans and get 2p off
-Or Sian wait, you can even get
toilet roll now, 3 for 3 rolls
in a pack of 9
-Reception in the garden
-Well what if it rains?
-Well we just hire a Gazeebo don't we?
Sian it's freezing
-Not if we hire a Gazeebo
-Will you stop saying the word Gazeebo
-Not so exciting and romantic now is it?
Who you gonna invite, who you're not gonna invite
what you're gonna wear
-She's having you on Sal
-I don't know how you manage with that water pressure
-Oh I know somebody in Greater Manchester turns a tap on
and our shower's reduced to a trickle
-I miss my power shower
-I bet it misses you too
Dev, I give up God to run with you
I should be in church
now that is a sacrifice
-And if you don't come running with me that'll make God very angry
-Yeah, and you know what happens when God's angry?
-Plagues of locusts, earthquakes, pestilence
-My new trainers, they really pinch my toes
-Well we'll start off slow until you've warmed up then wont we? Come on
-You know he gave 110%
-You hate that expression don't you?
-The odd pint here or there wont kill him
it's all about balance you know carrot as well as stick
has earned a carrot
And I promise I won't tell anybody you got knocked out by a girl
- I didn't get knocked out it was a glancing blow
52 today, 52 today
-Excuse me I am only 50
-Well see I've made you feel better about it already
Happy birthday Devster
She's on the phone to my dad
-No my other dad
-Which is the one with the biggest ears?
are you serious
-Yes, I really wanna ride on an elephant
-I hate John Stape that's why I did it
-Chesney hate is a very strong word
-Shut up Sophie
I suppose Rosie is more stylish
-Yeah mum way more stylish
-Mum what are them?
-Oh no not for me
-But you like parsnips
-No I don't, mum we have them every Christmas
and I've never liked them
-Do you like parsnips?
-Have you not been paying attention for the last 15 years?
-Do you like parsnips?
-Not overly fussed?
-I don't like parsnips